People of K-Mart

Heavens, a blog update is long overdue.  We've been scouring the area for the best of the best, and we have a little treat for you today.

It's long been believed that some of the most unusual characters on Earth aimlessly roam the isles of Wal-Mart.  However, to those of you who haven't patronized your local K-Mart store in a while, you've been missing out.  The average K-Mart patron is a different breed of human, a variety that can only have been genetically engineered in the dirty bathroom sink drain of a mobile home located deep in the woods of a nearby forest.  We'll occasionally be running a segment entitled, "People of K-Mart."

This work is entitled, "Jersey Shore(t)".  The brooding and intrinsic title accurately describes the sudden local shortage of the Jersey T-shirt material.  Notice the subtle contrast in color revealing that, no, in fact, these two items of clothing were purchased separately in an attempt to match.

Monday's Deep Thought...

Reasons Rihanna would be proud of Fort Oglethorpe:

You can't make that up.

A Fun Day in Fort-O

How many times have you been asked about your home town, "So, what do you do for fun?"

Well, we here at Fort Ugh have been reconnecting with our childhood and doing extensive research in an attempt to provide you with an accurate glimpse into the fun and fancy-free lives of the locals.  There are lots of things to do for fun here, so sit back and buckle up!


First, summers here are quite hot.  So, you probably want to start your day with a visit to local landmark My Place Restaurant for a delicious, refreshing ice-cream co.....

oooone.  Oops.  Awkward.  Uh, OK, OK.  Don't fret.  We can just go across the street to get some ice cream at McDo.....

oooonal.... Er... Taco Be.....

ell.... Ugh.  OK, let's forget about food for a while.  I'd probably just recommend you go read a nice book at the Fort Oglethorpe Libra.....

aary, which closed years ago.  AH!  I forgot.  Uh, OK.  Perhaps you should go for a nice caffeine pick-me-up and relax while reading a newspaper at the local Starbu.....

uuuuuuGH!  OK, who needs coffee anyway?  Given our local obesity problem, you should be a part of the solution and contribute by being an example of how much fun physical activity can be!  You should probably go to local hot-spot Fort Lanes for a bit of bowli....

iiiing.  Hmm.  I mean, OK.  REALLY?!  I definitely have a solution for you!  Strap on some roller skates, you're going to....

ROLLER COASTER SKATE WORLD!

Heck yes!  Here in Fort O, we know how to party like it's 1985.

Of course, if you don't like any of my suggestions, you can always go to Wal Mart or visit the endless variety of pawn shops or used car lots in town.

Hope you enjoy your visit!

How to drive like a Fort Oglethorpian

You too can drive as though you haven't a place in the world to be by following these interpretations of common road signs!

Stop: Bring vehicle to a complete stop.  Count to five.  Assess surrounding environment for unexpected variables (clouds, trees, pedestr other shiny vehicles, etc.).  Count slowly to five again until the panic of the unexpected subsides.  Reassess the situation.  Count again or move forward cautiously.

Speed limit: The speed at which your blood boils.  Best to drive a few miles slower.

Yield: Stop.

Double-yellow line: the magical barrier that protects you from oncoming cars unless said person is wasted on moonshine, Budweiser, or PBR or on a meth trip.

Passing lane: Look how nicely my gargantan F150 fits into this lane of supposed expedition!  I should strut extra slowly in an attempt to attract potential suitors.

4-way stop: Panic.  STOP.  But, most importantly, panic.

Merge: Panic and stop in a slightly different fashion than when encountering a 4-way stop.  Wait until all cars in the thru lane have passed, even if semi-truck-sized gaps present themselves.

Traffic circle: 1. Wave fist and shout: “Those darn European Socialists!  We don’t need that crap here in this country!” 2. Stop at the yield sign, even if no one is in the circle. 3. Enter traffic circle incredibly slowly in case a Euro-Socialist Communist familiar with driving in traffic circles enters to attack your personal freedoms.

Anatomy of the traffic light:

-Green: Wait 5 seconds, then proceed slowly forward in a manner that will inconvenience all around.

-Yellow: Apply brakes as abruptly and hard as possible to avoid being anywhere near the intersection when the light changes to red.  Act alarmed if an out-of-towner with the ambition to move forward rear-ends your vehicle.

-Red: Bask in the safety of stopping.  Relax.  Wait.  Put on makeup.  Eat some disgusting fast food.  Sing along with the radio.  Ignore your screaming children's cries from the back seat.  You're stopping right now, darn it!

Fort Ugh-lethorpe, GA. The time has come.

This blog is hereby dedicated to all the trashy hilariousness that is Fort Oglethorpe, GA.  Through this venue, we hope to show you the delightfully ridiculous goings on of this tiny community.  We hope you enjoy your portal into our town...