Stop: Bring vehicle to a complete stop. Count to five. Assess surrounding environment for unexpected variables (clouds, trees, pedestr other shiny vehicles, etc.). Count slowly to five again until the panic of the unexpected subsides. Reassess the situation. Count again or move forward cautiously.
Speed limit: The speed at which your blood boils. Best to drive a few miles slower.
Yield: Stop.
Double-yellow line: the magical barrier that protects you from oncoming cars unless said person is wasted on moonshine, Budweiser, or PBR or on a meth trip.
Passing lane: Look how nicely my gargantan F150 fits into this lane of supposed expedition! I should strut extra slowly in an attempt to attract potential suitors.
4-way stop: Panic. STOP. But, most importantly, panic.
Merge: Panic and stop in a slightly different fashion than when encountering a 4-way stop. Wait until all cars in the thru lane have passed, even if semi-truck-sized gaps present themselves.
Traffic circle: 1. Wave fist and shout: “Those darn European Socialists! We don’t need that crap here in this country!” 2. Stop at the yield sign, even if no one is in the circle. 3. Enter traffic circle incredibly slowly in case a Euro-Socialist Communist familiar with driving in traffic circles enters to attack your personal freedoms.
Anatomy of the traffic light:
-Green: Wait 5 seconds, then proceed slowly forward in a manner that will inconvenience all around.
-Yellow: Apply brakes as abruptly and hard as possible to avoid being anywhere near the intersection when the light changes to red. Act alarmed if an out-of-towner with the ambition to move forward rear-ends your vehicle.
-Red: Bask in the safety of stopping. Relax. Wait. Put on makeup. Eat some disgusting fast food. Sing along with the radio. Ignore your screaming children's cries from the back seat. You're stopping right now, darn it!
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